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The first thing he told me was that he’d nearly cancelled, because his brother needed a lift.
His team at work came to him with everything. His brother rang him when money was tight. His mum rang him when the boiler went. His mates rang him after rows with their partners. He was good at it, and he liked being good at it.
What he came to me about was something else. He couldn’t focus at work any more. He’d sit down to do the one piece of work only he could do, and an hour later he’d have answered nineteen messages and done none of it. He was sleeping badly. He said he was “just tired”.
What he noticed
He spent most of that first session talking about everyone else. When I asked how he was, he told me how his brother was.
I asked him something smaller instead. Every time the phone went that week, before he picked it up, would he notice what he did? Not change anything. Just notice.
He came back the next week a bit rattled. He reached for the phone before it had finished the first ring. He held his breath when he saw certain names come up. He said yes to things before the person had finished asking. And he’d noticed, which he didn’t like, that he felt a bit lost on the evenings when nobody rang.
Being the man people ring is a good thing to be. But somewhere along the way it had become the only way he knew to be useful, and the thing he did instead of looking at his own life.
What he tried
Over the next few sessions he tried a few things, one at a time. He started each session by putting his phone in his bag, which he said was harder than any of the breathing. I’d guide him through some slow breathing lying down, and he’d notice his shoulders come down a little, then how fast they went back up when he thought about Monday. That’s the same thing I wrote about in your body knows before you do. His body was a step ahead of him every time.
Before answering a call, he’d take one slow breath out and let it ring once more. He blocked out ninety minutes a day for the work only he could do, with the phone in another room, and told his team when it was. Some days it held. Plenty of days it didn’t.
A few weeks in, his brother rang one evening. Instead of sorting it there and then, he said, “I can’t tonight. Can I ring you tomorrow?” His brother said fine. He told me about it like he’d got away with something.
He’s a composite, several men with the details changed, so nobody’s recognisable.
If this sounds like you
Next time your phone goes, notice what you do in the second before you pick it up. Do you hold your breath? Do you already know you’ll say yes before you’ve heard what they want? Do you feel a bit lost on the nights nobody needs you? You don’t have to change any of it yet. Just notice for a week.
If you’d like some help with the role you play for everyone else, and with where you fit on your own list, that’s what one-to-one men’s coaching with me is for. You can start with a free 30-minute discovery call.
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