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Christmas is a few days of other people’s houses, other people’s timetables, more drink than usual and not much sleep. For a lot of people it’s also the week the old roles come back.
You walk through your parents’ door and you’re fifteen again. You’re the one who keeps the peace, or the one who gets wound up, or the one who goes quiet at the table and does the washing up so you don’t have to talk. You know it’s coming. It happens anyway.
White-knuckling is how most of us get through it. Grit your teeth, count the days, have another glass, and then fall apart on the 27th when it’s finally over. It works, sort of. It also means you spend the whole week braced.
Notice it early
The moment you snap at your brother is rarely the first sign. Earlier on there’s usually something smaller. Your jaw’s tight. You’re eating standing up. You’ve checked your phone four times in ten minutes. You’re breathing high in your chest and you haven’t properly breathed out since you arrived.
If you can catch it there, you’ve got a choice. If you catch it at the shouting stage, you mostly don’t.
Three minutes out of the room
When you notice it, leave the room. The bathroom, the garden, the car, a walk to the shop for milk nobody needs. Nobody will mind. They probably won’t notice.
Once you’re on your own, put your feet flat on the ground and breathe in through your nose for a count of 4, then out slowly for 6. Do that for about three minutes. Let your shoulders drop if they want to. Then ask yourself one question: what do I actually need right now?
It might be food. It might be ten more minutes on your own. It might be to say no to the next drink, or to leave a bit earlier than planned. Noticing it is enough.
If your head goes fuzzy, stop and breathe normally. I wrote more about this way of breathing in why I start with the out-breath.
A couple of things that help before you go
- Decide in advance how long you’re staying, and tell one person you trust.
- Agree a word or a look with your partner or a friend that means “I need five minutes”.
None of this makes Christmas easy. It just gives you a few gaps in it where you can come back to yourself.
If it’s more than a hard week
Christmas can be very lonely, and it can bring up grief. If you’re struggling and you’re in the UK, you can call Samaritans free on 116 123, any time, including Christmas Day. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 999.
In January
Plenty of people come out of the holidays knowing something needs to change. If that’s you, one-to-one breathwork is a practical place to start. And if you’re a man who’d like somewhere to say all this out loud to other men, have a look at my online men’s groups.
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